Down by the sea

The last couple of years that I lived in Vancouver, I knew I was ready for some big changes which included being ready to move away from Vancouver.  We didn’t know until the last few months that we were headed to Kelowna.

As I sat to write this, I fired up my music player as per usual and decided to listen to Morcheeba.  Normally I pick an album but today I double-clicked on her name.  As I was writing the first paragraph and thinking about Vancouver, The Sea was playing:

Morcheeba – The Sea:

I left my soul there,
Down by the sea
I lost control here
Living free

A cool breeze flows but mind the wasp
Some get stung it’s worth the cost
I’d love to stay
The city calls me home
More hassles fuss and lies on the phone

“I left my soul there.  Down by the sea.  I lost control there, living free.”  About sums up my time there.

I had a *really* hard time adjusting to Kelowna but in the past couple of years, have grown to love it here.  It hardly rains (it pours non-stop in Vancouver), it’s dry (it can be so humid in Vancouver that you’re sweating in the mid-20’s) and food can be reasonably cheap because we have access to fresh fruits and vegetables which is the majority of our diet.  As you know, we do a lot of canning and the Okanagan is the perfect place for it.

We knew moving to Kelowna was a layover and the plan was to stay long enough for my partner to finish her Phd (in June 2013) and me my side quest (June 2012).  We know we are going to have to move for her to get full-time work and has her sights set on another city.  But I have been like a cat with my claws dug into Kelowna not wanting to move anywhere other than West.  This move would technically be West which is a few steps in the right direction.

I certainly never thought I would have had my claws dug so deeply into Kelowna – especially when my soul is down by the sea.  The psychologist I was seeing during my LTD had even commented on my change of heart about Kelowna when she knew how much I hated Kelowna and my heart was still in Vancouver.

Heading into 2013, there was a part of me fearing it was going to be a crap year because of the superstition surrounding the number thirteen.  To be quite honest, I have had a really crappy year but also made positive changes:

  • broken (and still unfixed) tooth in February
  • passing of my beloved companion of 12 years
  • ER trips x 3 with my son
  • massive flareup/infection in another tooth
  • bankruptcy
  • my car is close to dying
  • weight loss?!
  • poor and broke
  • sick a lot lately
  • stuck

But like a phoenix rising from the ashes, I keep plugging on and am reminded of exactly why I have wanted a tattoo of a labyrinth tattooed on my forearm since my son was born over six years ago.  A tattoo I would like to get in the Spring when I have more money.

The problem is, I am feel stagnant and stuck in a holding pattern right now that I cannot get out of until at least the Spring.  There are certain things that are happening in my life that are either whizzing by too fast that I am having a hard time dealing and comprehending whereas others are so slow that they are not even moving if not, moving backwards.

I am exactly where I am meant to be, right now.
-Louise Hay

Something I keep reminding myself of.  Over a decade ago, I got my heart broken quite badly.  I was so in love with someone whom I had planned out the next ten years of my life with and when that relationship ended, I stopped planning for the future and having expectations.

Over the past three years since exiting the corporate world, deep dark depression, bad social anxieties and finishing up that side quest I was on, I have started to see a future again.  I once again have hopes, dreams and expectations for the future.

Hopes and dreams which are on the verge of a cascading avalanche about to happen as more pieces of the puzzle materialize and fit into place.  Pieces that make up that dreamboard I have been working on over the past few months including changing some of the images.

I have a really hard time sitting on my hands when I have my sights set on something.  I am feeling on the verge of bursting out of my skin and quite frankly, have been for most of this calendar year but life keeps getting in the way.  Normally I would get dejected out of frustration but know it’s part of the process of getting from Point A to Point B in life:  timing could be off, more life lessons to learn, and of course, a few tests thrown in for good measure.  The difference this time is I have expectations that there will be side quests I need to conquer along the way and although I cannot plan for them, I can accept them for what they are, thank life for the lesson and move on.

As I Nestle in for the Winter, I am mapping out how best to fill in the gap while placing more stepping stones for my life’s path.  There are a few more rocks along the road that I need to clear but when I have my sights set on something, I tend to be successful in clearing paths to get to my preferred destination(s).

This will include clearing space, healing, blogging, upgrading, studying, practicing, photography, quilting, crafts and spending time with my family.

I have not yet fully fleshed out my current goals on paper but have been in my head.  With an extra long weekend, I will be focusing some energy on them and working on clearing space now so that it is ready for me to move forward.

Are you stuck in life?  Stuck in transition?  Or have you ever been stuck?  What did you do to get yourself out of the mud?  What motivates you to keep trying to free one foot to move forward even when you know that you might have to work on freeing that foot again?

Uncertainty for 2013

By Spring 2013, there will officially be a Doctor in the house as my partner completes her PhD program.  The downside to this is that UBC has an unwritten policy of not hiring their own graduates which means we will more then likely be moving from Kelowna by next Summer dependent upon where she finds a job.  There is a slim possibility of us still being here but at this point, I am not getting my hopes up and mentally preparing for an upcoming move to somewhere I might hate even more then I did initially with Kelowna.

The first two years we lived here, I absolutely hated it and really wanted to move back to Vancouver.  The goal initially was for us to move here for the time needed for her to graduate and us to move back to the coast, pending a job, upon graduation.  But something I never thought would happen did about two years ago:  I fell in love with Kelowna.

Chin up

I found community, friends, a new career and so much about me has changed since moving to Kelowna – so much changed that it had me revolting against Vancouver once I finally settled into Kelowna.  I also underwent a lot of changes while I lived in Vancouver for eight years and I don’t know that I even “fit” there anymore.  One of my biggest fears about moving back to Vancouver, is raising our son there.

I will admit that I have been somewhat back and forth about wanting to stay versus moving back over the past two years.  There are so many pros/cons to being here versus there but the ultimate factor will be where my partner gets a job teaching and/or doing research.  My bigger fear is us moving Easter and further away from our friends and family.

There used to be one major con to moving away from Vancouver:  work in the technology industry.  Pay between Vancouver and Kelowna is disgusting:  I left Vancouver making over $30/hr with great benefits (100% unlimited chiropractor, massage, etc.) and started out in Kelowna making just over $21/hr with crappy benefits (80% to max of $500).

While it is always good to know that I have my tech career to fall back on, it makes my stomach turn just thinking about it.  The plus is that even though I am not yet making any money as a holistic practitioner, I am managing an office which means I would have that to fall back on, if not, being a barista which I also love.  I know that work wise I will probably never make what I topped out at in Vancouver ($100/hr on contract), I should hope to never have such a stressful job again because it was not worth the money.

While there is a lot of uncertainty about where we will be eight months from now, I am trying to view it positively knowing that change is good and that we will end up where we are meant to be.

I do have a few options for making money:

  • holistic practitioner
  • office administration
  • photography
  • blogging
  • barista
  • contract tech work (WordPress, php)

but there is always that fear of when and where the next pay cheque is coming from.

While I have only ever made money with three of the above, I am hoping that will change in the future.  One of the benefits to being self employed is that if you lose one stream of income, you have others to lean on.

In the meantime, I will continue working on myself, my blogging, my photography, building up my practice as a practitioner and touching up the house in the event that we do have to put our home on the market.