Down by the sea

The last couple of years that I lived in Vancouver, I knew I was ready for some big changes which included being ready to move away from Vancouver.  We didn’t know until the last few months that we were headed to Kelowna.

As I sat to write this, I fired up my music player as per usual and decided to listen to Morcheeba.  Normally I pick an album but today I double-clicked on her name.  As I was writing the first paragraph and thinking about Vancouver, The Sea was playing:

Morcheeba – The Sea:

I left my soul there,
Down by the sea
I lost control here
Living free

A cool breeze flows but mind the wasp
Some get stung it’s worth the cost
I’d love to stay
The city calls me home
More hassles fuss and lies on the phone

“I left my soul there.  Down by the sea.  I lost control there, living free.”  About sums up my time there.

I had a *really* hard time adjusting to Kelowna but in the past couple of years, have grown to love it here.  It hardly rains (it pours non-stop in Vancouver), it’s dry (it can be so humid in Vancouver that you’re sweating in the mid-20’s) and food can be reasonably cheap because we have access to fresh fruits and vegetables which is the majority of our diet.  As you know, we do a lot of canning and the Okanagan is the perfect place for it.

We knew moving to Kelowna was a layover and the plan was to stay long enough for my partner to finish her Phd (in June 2013) and me my side quest (June 2012).  We know we are going to have to move for her to get full-time work and has her sights set on another city.  But I have been like a cat with my claws dug into Kelowna not wanting to move anywhere other than West.  This move would technically be West which is a few steps in the right direction.

I certainly never thought I would have had my claws dug so deeply into Kelowna – especially when my soul is down by the sea.  The psychologist I was seeing during my LTD had even commented on my change of heart about Kelowna when she knew how much I hated Kelowna and my heart was still in Vancouver.

Heading into 2013, there was a part of me fearing it was going to be a crap year because of the superstition surrounding the number thirteen.  To be quite honest, I have had a really crappy year but also made positive changes:

  • broken (and still unfixed) tooth in February
  • passing of my beloved companion of 12 years
  • ER trips x 3 with my son
  • massive flareup/infection in another tooth
  • bankruptcy
  • my car is close to dying
  • weight loss?!
  • poor and broke
  • sick a lot lately
  • stuck

But like a phoenix rising from the ashes, I keep plugging on and am reminded of exactly why I have wanted a tattoo of a labyrinth tattooed on my forearm since my son was born over six years ago.  A tattoo I would like to get in the Spring when I have more money.

The problem is, I am feel stagnant and stuck in a holding pattern right now that I cannot get out of until at least the Spring.  There are certain things that are happening in my life that are either whizzing by too fast that I am having a hard time dealing and comprehending whereas others are so slow that they are not even moving if not, moving backwards.

I am exactly where I am meant to be, right now.
-Louise Hay

Something I keep reminding myself of.  Over a decade ago, I got my heart broken quite badly.  I was so in love with someone whom I had planned out the next ten years of my life with and when that relationship ended, I stopped planning for the future and having expectations.

Over the past three years since exiting the corporate world, deep dark depression, bad social anxieties and finishing up that side quest I was on, I have started to see a future again.  I once again have hopes, dreams and expectations for the future.

Hopes and dreams which are on the verge of a cascading avalanche about to happen as more pieces of the puzzle materialize and fit into place.  Pieces that make up that dreamboard I have been working on over the past few months including changing some of the images.

I have a really hard time sitting on my hands when I have my sights set on something.  I am feeling on the verge of bursting out of my skin and quite frankly, have been for most of this calendar year but life keeps getting in the way.  Normally I would get dejected out of frustration but know it’s part of the process of getting from Point A to Point B in life:  timing could be off, more life lessons to learn, and of course, a few tests thrown in for good measure.  The difference this time is I have expectations that there will be side quests I need to conquer along the way and although I cannot plan for them, I can accept them for what they are, thank life for the lesson and move on.

As I Nestle in for the Winter, I am mapping out how best to fill in the gap while placing more stepping stones for my life’s path.  There are a few more rocks along the road that I need to clear but when I have my sights set on something, I tend to be successful in clearing paths to get to my preferred destination(s).

This will include clearing space, healing, blogging, upgrading, studying, practicing, photography, quilting, crafts and spending time with my family.

I have not yet fully fleshed out my current goals on paper but have been in my head.  With an extra long weekend, I will be focusing some energy on them and working on clearing space now so that it is ready for me to move forward.

Are you stuck in life?  Stuck in transition?  Or have you ever been stuck?  What did you do to get yourself out of the mud?  What motivates you to keep trying to free one foot to move forward even when you know that you might have to work on freeing that foot again?

Nestling in for the Winter

With the last of our trips to the coast for this calendar year now behind us, we are nestling in for the Winter and should not be venturing too far from Kelowna until “The Big Thaw” in the Spring.  As much as we love our friends and family on the coast, we hate the white knuckled drive through the mountains in the late Fall, Winter and early Spring.  I finally caught the show #highwaythruhell (which features the Coquihalla – our main travel route to the coast) and I feel better about our choice to avoid that highway when its cold and icy.

With the changing of the seasons comes the reminder that change is the only constant in life (see what I did there).  I have been cleaning up our house and yard lately trying to get rid of the old to welcome the new into our lives.  Not sure why I feel the need to state that I have undergone a lot of changes in my life over the past several years but realize that there might actually be people reading my blog who do not know of all those life changes.  It has become time to get back to where I was before my life took a major side quest and I became a man.

Before that major side quest, I had just lost 65lbs and started to rediscover the athlete in me.  But the side quest came up, I became severely depressed and put every single pound of that weight back on.  Because I had had such great success with WW, I tried it again but their new program had me gaining rather then losing weight.  I have had a hell of a time trying to lose weight since then and have felt there is more to it then just “diet and exercise”.  With a new found passion for holistic health, wholistic food and Earthing, I cannot help but feel as though I need to “walk the walk and talk the talk” if I am to fully embrace it as well as not only being successful in my new career but also a success story which would be the basis of me marketing myself.

While I really loved my time in Vancouver and fully embraced big city life, it was a very superficial life I was living.  When we first moved to Kelowna, I really missed Vancouver and wanted to move back there.  But at some point that all changed and have next to no desire to ever live in Vancouver again.

I used to be a Starbux loving corporate junkie who used to scoff at the “hippies”.  I wanted to climb the corporate ladder, have initials after my name and own a grossly over-inflated flat about the size of our shed.  While I still miss the transit system, part of the allure was being able to put on my sunnies, plug in my earbuds (even if no music played) and hide behind a magazine and just blend in with the other thousands of people I crossed paths with each day.

Back then, it worked for me.

Now, I want to connect with people and have real face-to-face relationships with them.  I want to sit on rocks in front of waterfalls to meditate, work in my bare feet or sit in a cafe and either think or not.  Slowing down has been a major change from my former corporate lifestyle and taken me several months to finally calm and clear my mind.  Being able to not have this feeling of always having to be working or thinking about something has been so amazingly freeing.  Even though this calendar year has been full of its own stressors, the rest of the stress in my life has literally melted away.

The biggest catalyst in that was declaring bankruptcy earlier this year.  While in terms of money, this is the second to lowest paying job I have had in my adult life (lowest was working part-time at Blenz), this year is the richest I have ever felt in my life.  I have so much more gratitude now for what I spend my money on rather then feeling empty from all that went onto those credit cards (the illusion of money) when I lived in Vancouver.  Don’t get me wrong, I quite enjoyed watching live Vancouver Canucks hockey and all those concerts I went to.  But, did I really need to spend my Sunday afternoons drinking $100 worth of martini’s, eating out as much as I did or all those electronics that I replaced only a year or two later?

Evolution as another layer sheds while metamorphosis takes us into Fall.

Even with so many great changes that have occurred in my life since walking away from corporate life, there is always room for more changes to be made.  I had started writing this post on Sunday about looking into wholistic dietary changes but the post has morphed into something else and I have cut and pasted most of it into another post I will work on.

As I nestle into and work on embracing the cold that is hitting us earlier than normal this year, I see a lot of studying and research about to commence in my life.  Most of which will be posted elsewhere (but referenced here) as I work on building up a name for myself in the field of Health and Wellness.

We got a new kitten last Wednesday:


His name is Domino and I must go home now to ensure he and the other cat have not torn the house apart in my absence!